Mother's Favorites

My mother, Myrtle, was a student of elocution, she said, and felt compelled to pass on to her children what she had learned from her mother, Edna.  Here's a sample:

"Ma and The Auto" - Author Unknown

Before we take an auto ride, Pa says to Ma, "My dear,
Now just remember I don't need suggestions from the rear.
If you will just sit still back there, and hold in check your fright,
I'll take you where you want to go and get you back alright.
Remember that my hearings good, and also, I'm not blind,
And I can drive this car, without suggestions from behind."

Ma promises, that she'll be good, then off we gaily start,
But soon she notices up ahead, a peddler with his cart.
"You'd better toot your horn," says she, "To let him know you're near."
"Turn out!" she cries, and Pa replies, "Just shriek at him, my dear."
An' then he adds, "Some day, some guy will make a lot of dough,
A puttin' horns on town car seats for wimmen folks to blow."

Then farther on, Ma cries, "He signaled fer a turn!"
An' Pa says, "Oh did he?" in tones hot enough to burn.
"Oh there's a boy on roller skates," cries Ma, "Now do go slow."
"I'm sure he doesn't see us," an' Pa says, "I duno.
I don't think I need glasses but really it may be,
That I am blind an' cannot see what's right in front of me!"

If Pa should speed the car a bit, someone to hurry past,
Ma whispers, "Do be careful, you're driving much too fast."
An' all the time she's pointing out the dangers of the street,
An' keeps him posted on the road where trolly cars he'll meet.
Last night, when we got home, Pa sighed an said, "My dear,
I'm sure we all enjoyed the drive you gave us from the rear."
-----

"Foolish Questions" - Author unknown

You hear foolish questions and no doubt you wonder why,
The person who will ask them will expect a sane reply.
Did you ever bring a girl a box of candy after tea?
Did you notice how she grabs it, then she'll ask, "Is this for me?"
Foolish question.  You should answer when you can,
"No!  The candy is for your mother or for John, the hired man.
I just wanted you to see it, now I'll take it all away."
That's the kind of foolish question you'll hear most every day.

Or if you've been away from town for several days or weeks,
What is it that your friends will ask, the first time that they speak?
They rush along to meet you and hug you,
Saying, "Oh, are you back?"
Foolish question.  And to answer in that line,
You should say, "No, I'm still traveling on the Rhine.
I'm still  in Europe and I won't be back 'till May!"
Now that's the kind of question you'll hear most every day.

And then most every morning there is someone 'round the place,
Who sees you take your shaving cup and lather up your face,
And as you give your razor a preliminary wave,
Someone will always ask you, "Are you going to shave?"
Foolish question.  And your answer is, I hope,
"No, I'm really not prepared for shaving, I just like the taste of soap.
I just use the shaving brush and paint myself this way."
That's the kind of foolish question you will hear most every day.

And then of course, you've met someone who will stop you on your way,
And ask where you are going and will listen while you say,
You are going to the funeral of your neighbor, Brother Ned,
Then as soon as you have said it, they will ask, "Why, is he dead?"
Foolish questions.  And you might as well reply,
"No, he just thought he'd have his funeral first, then after awhile he'd die.
Brother Ned was so original, he wanted it that way."
Foolish questions, that you hear most every day.

Or if you should have a caller some afternoon at five,
And as you should set conversing, and the doctor should arrive,
Would your visitor be silent?  Do you think that she'd be still?
Or when she saw the doctor coming would she ask, "Is someone ill?"
Foolish questions.  And you should answer with a little shrug,
"No one is ill.  We simply call the doctor in to beat the parlor rug!
Sometimes, he'll tune the grand piano if we want the thing to play."
Now that's the kind of foolish questions you'll hear most every day.

Supposing that an elevator boy forgot to close the doors,
And you'd fall down the shaft past 27 floors,
And as you reached the bottom and were lying there invert,
The first  one that would reach you would exclaim, "Are you hurt?"
Foolish questions.  And your dying words are, "No!
I was in an awful hurry and the elevator runs too bloomin' slow!
Now that's the kind of foolish questions,
We hear most every day.
-----

I can hear my mother's voice, as I type a couple of her favorites.  She also loved one called, "Peach Pies" and another one--"Pockets".  I, like some of my siblings, memorized and acted out each of these on stage, as children, at some church or community occasion, or at family reunions.  My mother's original writings, the songs she sang, and pieces such as these are a part of who I am.