I Am, I See, I Feel, I Am...

I am...a woman who has seen sixty-eight November 9's pass by.

I wonder...who the old woman is, looking at me in the mirror, red hair now silvered, face wrinkled, eyes and posture drooping,

I hear...my name spoken when there is no one visible to have said it.  I think it is just to get my attention or renew my focus.

I see...in color when I dream, whether sleeping or awake. Some people see more in a walk around the block than others see in a trip around the world.  I'd like to be one of those.

I want...the best of everything.  That, to me, can be simple and unadorned.  Some of the best things in life are free.

I pretend...to be 'fine', even happy, when asked how I am if it makes someone more comfortable.  A good friend calls this the "Fake it 'til you make it!" approach.  Happiness is an inside job.

I feel...like I'm riding a roller-coaster, given the ups and downs of a disease called Rheumatoid Arthritis and it's cousin, Osteo.  It can be difficult to prevent health-related issues and aging from defining me. I feel blessed to be better than I would be if I were not as good as I am.

I touch...to determine if bread dough or pie crust is just right.  Touching piano keys requires greater effort now.  The ready hugs come easy for some but not for all.

I worry...Favorite worries are hard to give up.  Solving problems that create worry is easy.  It's living with the solutions that is tough.

I am...sometimes silent.  Silence is not only golden; it's seldom misquoted.  I am also tenacious and like the road to success--I'm always under construction.  While unable to leap tall buildings in a single bound, I am a climber of steep mountains, figuratively speaking.

I understand...a little bit of many things.

I say..."That's Gross. Just because you can doesn't mean you should. I'm cold...put on a sweater. Is it hot in here? Don't even think about it! Can't trust the weatherman. Grandma's always right! Unthaw. (all things ending in "S"--WalMartS). It's not movie film"!

I dream...of companionship, dancing, figure skating, and in color with audio. Days of Demerol brought dreams of lacy cobwebs and one-way conversation. Old nightmares invade for no good reason.

I try...each day not to speak of pain, to use good judgement, to be courageous and less afraid, less judgmental, more at peace, more thoughtful and insightful. I try again the next day.

I hope...for more November 9's.

I am...just one person, but I am one.  Everything begins with one, whether it is a step forward or backward.